grandma shit on top of the toilet
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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