do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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