I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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