was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
