tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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