just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
