just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
