the condom got lost in my hair
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
