After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
