I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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