I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
