I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
