oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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