My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
