He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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