I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
