You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
