I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
