the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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