Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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