if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
