So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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