how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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