Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
