swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
