I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's not a walk of shame if you run
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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