he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
