he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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