1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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