Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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