Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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