She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
