Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
A+ Viking dick
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
