god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Found your dick twin last night
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
