if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
