He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
