not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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