I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
