I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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