It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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