He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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