I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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