I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
