Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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