Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
