I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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