i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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