On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
