I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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