Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
