he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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